Sunday, January 31, 2010

Laced with pain

Funny, huh? What started as an exciting month could not have had a better anticlimax. God, you know what I mean.

There are so many things I want to know. What is love? I thought I knew it but maybe I do not anymore. I have a utopian curse. That sickness which makes one believe in the impossible. My hope is really senseless- a zealot without a mind; you have too much faith in good.

And what is pain? Why can't I just throw it away? It puts me in a strong grapple and never wants to let go till I give in and give of the dew of my heart.

I want to know. I want to understand.

That night I walked away, I knew something was not right. I walked that upward winding road alone, with thoughts raining like cats and dogs in my mind. I often looked up at the dark night, the moon...was it present? I forget. I was not in a hurry, I just walked. One or two boda bodas stopped to ask if I was going and I said no. They continued on their way.

All the houses I passed by were in fences, no idea what the other side was. Reminds me of you; walking this road- were you a house to look at and admire or was I supposed to stop, ring the bell and wait to be let in? I may have known a part of you, but did I know what was behind that gate of silence?

The sky was very clear that night that I left.

I wish...

Work's moving. Every new day, a new skill comes into my possession and I am proud of it. Feels great to be learning.

But isn't love the flavour of life? I can imagine gaining everything there is to gain without a person to call love, without a friend, a brother, a boo. It would all be useless.

After some point I began sloping. The road became busy. Traffic was bumper to bumper- very vivid was the red that night. I walked past pubs, restaurants, men preparing t.v chicken and pork and roadside fried and roasted meats. The aroma was enticing but I left it unattended to, I would soon get home and eat something proper.

Eat something proper- very much like choosing who to love. I think we decide who we fall in love with, it is never an accident. It may start like a lonely drip of the morning dew on a flower upon the stone below it, but every morning that drip breaks the resistance of the stone and soon it may turn into soil.

We choose.

So, I did choose. I left all the enticing aromas on the roadside and hoped to get at home and eat something worthwhile but when I did get home, there was nothing. My tummy was saying all sorts of protestations and curses because I had left "good ready stuff" back on the road and now there was nothing here.

All this while, there's a mirror called my mind. I reflect and wonder whether the choice I made was worthwhile. I think it was. A choice to wait for something better, a choice to love what may not be at hand but a hope....That there made me the crazy man- love without a promise. It sure is hard but I am confident it was the right thing to do.

I told you that many will call me crazy, you too called me crazy - it is not something I deny. I am not going to become disdainful, no,I will remain grounded on the greatest there is- love.

These are my words,


On the soul replay- For You- Kenny Lattimore

Saturday, January 30, 2010



I think one of the most beautiful songs ever written about love is "For you", by Kenny Lattimore. YB,one of my very good friends knows it word for a word and I think he just may have sung it for his belle at one point. I've heard many beautiful stuff from really talented people like Maxwell, Tamia, Brandy, etc but this song, wow, I wish I was the one who had written it- coz I don't know if I'm yet ready to write this well or even better.

I'm trying to be as honest as I can in this post but I am afraid. Afraid that maybe you will see that I too am human. That I too question things, sometimes I doubt, sometimes I hate, sometimes I am filled with disdain, sometimes I just want to scream, sometimes I am not always confident. I want to spare you the disappointment but what about me?

What if I'm really angry at you? What if I want to scream and tell you that I really hate you, that I wish we'd never met? What if I want to say to you that you're worthless, useless, a waste of time and energy- a total loss to me?

You came into my world, like a great light, a light I thought would shine till my eyes gave out but no sooner that a few minutes, out you went, like a candle snuffed out. No I didn't, you did...

I'm so overwhelmed I do not know what to say.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Green as bile

A mixture of water and black soil. No, not loam soil, I said black soil. The paste is thick and dark. He pours dark green leaves into the paste and grinds it; it's a very potent brew he is making, the stench fills the room as the greenish smoke arises.

Time can be a slow cook, especially when one would rather have something pass by like a rocket. The brew on the fire gives only a slight simmer, the pops occur once in a while. He sits staring at the brew intently as if his eyes were able to speak. His stare is distant, like he were now in some world of Pandora.

He gets up, goes to the door and places a brick against it. He picks the knife laying carelessly on the floor. Without a thought, he thrusts the knife at his chest and doesn't even flinch. Already drops of thick red blood are dripping but he goes ahead to tear apart his chest.

He reaches inside and removes the object of his interest, covered in red paste. He lowers it into the pot. It slowly sinks in, not immersing fully at once but slowly, drowning into the green paste.

"Pop...pop..pop" The brew is excited. Bubbles appear and burst in intervals.

The man, oblivious of the boiling reaches into the pot and removes the object. His hand is scarred but he never flinches. He inserts the object back into the crevice and then suddenly starts convulsing, and writhing. He begins to throw up; falls on the ground, kicking the air, punching the unseen- he ends up covered in dirt, vomit, green paste and red blood. He smells.

It goes on until the madness starts to fizzle out. The kicking lessens, and the throwing of punches; he stops rolling in the dirt slowly and eases into a trance. Sleep whisks him away and soon he is not moving.

When he wakes up, the wound is bound up, no dirt, no vomit, nothing. He picks up the knife and slits his wrist- the sensation is ecstatic but he looks and no, it isn't red anymore, that which used to be scarlet is now green as bile.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Cupid and his menace

They say it's a river, circles the earth
A beam of light shining to the edge of the universe
It conquers all
It changes everything
They say it's a blessing
They say it's a gift
They say it's a miracle and I believe that it is
It conquers all
but it's a mystery
Love breaks your heart
Love takes no less than everything
Love makes it hard
And fades away so easily
In this world we've created
Where this place that we lived
In a blink of an eye the darkness slips in
Love lights the world, unites the love that's for eternity
Love breaks the chain
Love aches for everyone of us
Love takes the tears and the pain
And turns it in to the beauty that remains
Look at this place
It was paradise but now it's dying
I'll brave the love
I'll take my chances that it's not too late
Love breaks your heart
Love takes no less than everything
Love makes it hard
And fades away so easily
Love breaks the chain
Love aches for everyone of us
Love takes the tears and the pain
And turns it in to the beauty that remains

(Brian Mcknight and Vanessa Williams- Love is)

Friday, January 22, 2010

Mr. Romantic

And you thought you were romantic.....

Do you know the exact moment your lover was conceived? Did you ever keep watch over her, never batting an eyelid coz you were sleepy? Did you take time to count the number of hairs on her head and always walk beside her making sure she did not trip, and that if she tripped, you caught her before she fell, and that if she fell you picked her up again?

Did you wipe away every tear from her eyes? Did you comfort her when she was alone and frightened? Did you open the curtains of the sky and let the sun shine for her? Did you make the rose and lily and dahlia and daffodil and chrysanthemum and sunflower bloom for her so that she smiled and leaped like a little child?

Did you make sure the wind blew and the rain fell when it was too hot for her? Did you provide an oasis when she was in the desert place? Did you quiet her soul when there was trouble all around? Do you love her that much?

Did you give away your riches so that she would become rich? Did you endure beatings so that she would be healed of her sickness? Did you pierce your head so that she would be guiltless? Did you die so that she may live?

Did you bestow upon her the grace to handle pain, the joy to celebrate good times, the peace to be still and be thankful? Did you set yourself as her shield, her buckler, her fortress, her rock, her light, her hope? Was she able to trust you fully and at all times and if she wasn't sure she could talk to you about it?

Mr. so called Romantic- did you supply all her need when she was in her mother's womb and when she was out? Did you give her friends and a family? Did you give her life?

He did this for you and me, He does it for love..

Baseline: For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly.
For scarcely for a righteous man will one die: yet peradventure for a good man some would even dare to die.
But God commendeth His love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
Romans 5:6-8

Monday, January 18, 2010

For trusting God now

It is Monday morning 5.14 am. My bladder wakes me up, I need to go to the bathroom. I get up, out of the bed and go. I get back, knowing I rarely wake up at this time and thus looking at a great opportunity to do something i have not done in a long time.

My spirit is heavy, I wish there was something I could do to make it lighter. I open the book, but sleep is heavy upon my eyes. I read through the lines, trying to make sense of them but the mist upon my eyes is heavy. I sit up. I kneel. I lie down. Posture doesn't help.

I start to mumble somethings. They do not make sense. I have blackouts. After a small while of mumblings, it goes dark, my body curls up and I disappear. After a while, I reappear still mumbling nothings,.try to read the book..

Cycles of mumblings and misty eyes...finally I had to get out of bed. Today is a day I must face with the LORD.

Monday, January 11, 2010


You see, my dearest,

there are so many things I want to say to you right now. I want to be able to fully show you the colours and lights of the different sensations that are going through my mind and chest right now,...but I can't.

Where did the words I had planned to say to you go? My heart races as I try to control my breath and speak properly. I want to speak slowly but the words seem to overwhelm me. My eyes should let go of your eyes but they cannot, I am held in your gaze, or rather, you are held in my gaze.

There's a drum beat in my chest, seriously; and I cannot hush it. Do you hear it? Here, give me your hand, lay it on my breast, see that I am not lying to you. I have not known this to be true as I do now. Your eyes are the moon,they are the sun, they are the stars; they give me so much life, so much peace, so much joy.

Who would know a hug would mean so much; that your cheek against mine would feel so warm? Your hands so soft, your touch as silk? I wanted to tell you rivers of words flowing from my deeps....

But I guess that you know what my heart looks like; you know the beautiful shades therein. You know that the months apart never changed a thing in my heart. My heart constantly says your name. Your face I see before I sleep and when I wake. There is so much I want to say.

I could say it a million ways but I would still be saying; you mean the world to me hun, I love you.

Monday, January 04, 2010

Where shall peace be found?

Where shall peace be found?
Is it in the melodies of stringed instruments?
Cool and breezy sounds
That set hearts at ease?

Time flees from our grasp
Like a half dead chicken, void of head.

Doesn't time run like a thief almost caught in the act?
Is it not like a cheetah on the hunt for a meal?
Racing speedily ahead of achievements and failures,
Eyes fixed on what is unknown to us?

And whether she ever stops is a mystery,
For she goes past tears and laughter.
She never stops to mourn or celebrate,
She races like a wild fire in a forest- consuming thorn and flower.

But don't let her deceive you,
Time is not eternal-
She is not all powerful,
Even she bends to worship-

The Alpha and Omega, the first and last,
He sits outside time and causes seasons to pass.
So when sorrow and joy come in the seasons they do,
Fall downward on your knees to God who makes all things new.

Today maybe a sorrow,
Tomorrow a joy
But tis God who gives us strength
To carry us all seasons through.

Happy New Year.

Isa 61:3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.